Monday is Memory Day

Been out of touch with the world for awhile.   Grieving, healing, crying, screaming, then crying some more.   God, today is 5 weeks and the pain is still raw.   You can leave the house and find yourself lost and never understanding how you made it to where you are parked.   This new life is not what I want.  I just want my old life back.  Why? Over & over I ask how could this have happened to me.  And I wonder what will become of me, the dog, the house, the farm ....everything.  Am I meant to even remain here?   What plans has God made where all I have is memories of the past and this introduction to being alone has no guide book.  How does God expect me to figure it out - this really is not fair.    There is no other path to explore except this one - a day at a time - sometimes you just stumble through the next hour wondering and worrying. 

What is this life all about?

Gardening is Patience

Well, as you can see, the patience is what keeps you attached, involved and in love with the end result.  We lost all of our beautiful spring tulip bulbs to some little critter - we suspect it was a bunny rabbit, not sure, and honestly could never imagine how this critter learned to climb up the sides of the pots.  But this was in the past and all the dull dreary winter days were cast aside knowing we had planted so many big red tulips for springtime.  

So, with gardening faith I decided to start over and challenge my skills to see if I could achieve what I wanted - more blooms on the patio, without the invasion of critters indulging in the prdoucts whilst they were all still bulbs.

I went away in July and moved the pots into total shade in the hope that I could trick mama nature into some neutral state and delay the sunshine from nudging the growth along.  In the 2 weeks we have been back we watched every day as the pots regained their spot in full sun and they played the peek a boo game that we were expecting.     Timing is everything so we have all heard, that the good things take time to come forth.   I am so thrilled to see the blooms unmarred from tiny teeth and settled into a wonderful array of color & depth that such a profusion offers our eyes. 

All in time for my birthday - and so I celebrate gardening.

Its early - the sun has just risen. Fresh clean morning air.  I sit on the porch & see our cows, their heads down, slurping  cool water out of the reservoir,  the gulping slurps fill the quiet pasture.  The cooling fans of last evening are shut off and the coolness and sweetness of morning nudges my tired soul.  I review last nites' experience in my mind and in my body.  The heat stirred new beginnings and rustled the memories of former nites when my body was willing and warm and balanced to the melody of love's echoes.  I remember and try to focus on the memory to nudge me in a new direction.  Today is a new day and I will absorb its facets of newness, like a freshly polished diamond, and i will enjoy the sparkle as it inspires me into new experiences and episodes.   Every day is a possibility to learn and grow and appreciate and love.

Land For Sale

People come by to view the property and we silently interview them to assess their desires and why do they want to live in the country, next door to us.   How many times have I heard folks tell me that they hate their neighbours due to a myriad of excuses that have all resulted from selfish people not being fair and not getting along well with others.   I can tell when people talk to us after the walk experience if they are interested - they usually get excited and share one of their dreams!  I listen, I nod, and silently I wonder if this is the one.  What if?  More talking usually highlights the one obstacle in the person hesitating to make an offer - the reasons there are many - usually the first reason is money.  They want the large space and the room to breathe - what they don't have is the money to buy it.  And so we wait.
One couple wanted to swap us their property for ours but really there was no comparison in the exchange.  Why would I want their house and gotta say it "junk filled" yard instead of taking the hard cold cash.   Decision wasn't too hard to make.

Interesting insights.  The reaction you get when one friend disappoints the crap out of you, has a dangling thread to another instance, when my reaction was also the same.  Different event - same reaction.  Time for me to investigate and kill the seed once and for all to discover where the source of the pain  is coming from.   How often do we feel so disappointed by those people we have shared our lives with.  Why do they treat us so badly - the circle is meant for closeness and appreciation of others.

Selfish Friends

They compartmentalize their friends.  If family is visiting she excludes you from the celebrations because she doesn't want to mix both together.  Why - what is she trying to hide.    Its her birthday and she wont let us celebrate with her.  Why?   What is she trying to control.  Her husband has food issues and is in fear of his weight climbing when he doesn't exercise or do anything else to be a healthier man. Just controls what goes into his mouth. 

Cheapness to Avoid Giving

People, mostly women, who avoid giving of themselves in whatever way is being asked of them are always there.  One woman I know just yesterday pulled the stunt.  Pot Luck coming up and the hostess is doing salmon & rice, so this woman offers to make another rice.  We needed appies, and salads, and veggies and desserts.  But no she just offers rice even when she was told we had one of those.  She is trying to save all of her money for herself.  She avoids spending on her friends. Cheap is her language her backup excuse.  How sad - how very sad.   And there are so many others like this.